My parents have been married for 60 years. At this point, they’ve worked out most of their issues. But if my father interrupts my mother, her eyes grow unnaturally bright, and she rises up like a cobra.
That’s a sign that she is about to detonate — and our family knows to scatter.
Why is it so annoying when people interrupt? For many of us, it can feel diminishing and condescending, said Maria Venetis, an associate professor of communication at Rutgers University. Sometimes it’s even “enraging,” she added, “because it suggests that my ideas or my participation aren’t valid.”
This feeling is especially familiar to those who experience it more regularly, such as women, who are more frequently interrupted by men.
Interrupters often have more “achieved or ascribed power” and are used to having people quiet down when they want to speak, said Alexandra Solomon, a psychologist at the Family Institute at Northwestern University and the author of “Love Every Day.”
How, then, do you manage interruptions at work and home? I asked experts to share tips.
Dealing with interruptions at work
Weigh your options, said Elaine Swann, an etiquette expert and the author of “Let Crazy Be Crazy.” Ask yourself whether you should speak up or let the interruption slide, she said.
If you decide to cut in, Swann suggested “lifting your hand up ever so slightly and saying, ‘Hold on, I’d like to finish my thought.’”
Dr. Venetis recommended saying “just a second, and I’ll yield the floor.” Doing that acknowledges the other person while being an advocate for yourself, she said.
If you’re frequently cut off during meetings, find a work buddy who can jump in and refocus the conversation, Swann said. (“I’d love to hear what Sandra was saying.”)
You can also address interruptions before they start, Swann said. “Set the stage by saying: ‘I have something to share. I’ll only take about five minutes,’” and let people know they will have time to chime in when you’re done, she said.
Handling interruptions in your relationship
Constant interruptions can cause real rifts in understanding, connection and trust, Dr. Solomon said. If interrupting is a pattern in your relationship, she recommends starting a “curious conversation” with your partner when you’re not in the heat of the moment.
Explore the root cause of the problem, Dr. Solomon said. Ask each other questions like: How would you describe our conversation patterns? How did people have discussions in your family growing up? How do you feel when you’re interrupted?
Subtle body language can work at home, too, she said. If one partner is “coming in hot,” she suggests leaning forward and putting a hand on the partner’s forearm, or lifting a “hang on” finger.
What to do if you’re the interrupter
Are you hogging the mic? Watch your listener for cues, Dr. Solomon said. Does the person look impatient or disengaged? If you read a transcript of the conversation, she said, are the two of you speaking for roughly the same amount of time?
That’s what you should aim for, Dr. Solomon said. “We tend to want our conversations to feel like a tennis game, with a lot of back and forth,” she said.
I asked my parents to have an in-depth chat about why my dad interrupts (and why my mom gets so mad). Dad confessed that he does it because, lately, he is afraid that he’s going to lose his thought entirely.
“I get mad for the same reason when you interrupt me,” my mother muttered.
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